Tongue In Face, Part 10

And finally, the conclusion of "How to Write: A Guide."

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Step Ten: Persona, Persona, Persona

By now, you’ve got your manuscript, and everything is right with the world. Except for one thing. You don’t have a persona!

Why is one necessary, you ask? Simply put, you are a writer. You spend all your time apart from other people, either in a small room or your car, scribbling in a notebook. That means you are what most people would consider to be boring. So you’ll just have to pretend to be interesting. But how?

There are several tested personae from which you may choose:

The Serious Artist. This is the guy who goes on talk shows (if he deigns to appear on television) to discuss craft or the great American novel. Stodgy in appearance, he is by turns awkward and witty. Often, he will discuss Art (note the capitalization) is the last hope for mankind. He will be known by the majority of the public as “that writer guy,” “that boring guy,” or “some professor or something.”

The Layman. This is a man of the people. He wears workman’s attire in most social occasions. He pooh-poohs the highfalutin craft talk, preferring instead to discuss auto mechanics, medieval tools or the shed he built in his back yard where he does all of his writing. He avoids the topic of actual writing, not because he has nothing to say, but because no one could possibly comprehend the opinions of The Greatest Writer in the World.

The Hard-Drinking Gun Nut. This writer does not appear on television. He rarely gives interviews. And yet, his non-writing exploits are legendary. Like the time he drank a bottle of Scotch and was still lucid enough to shoot a playing card from his girlfriend’s teeth without injuring her. (How? See Step Seven.) He may have been famous for writing at one point, but he understands that greater fame can be had through being outrageous.

The problem with these examples is that they are well-known (as are The Slacker, The Angriest Man on Earth and The Mental Patient). If you want half a chance in the literary world, you better come up with something original. It could be the most decision you ever make, so choose carefully.

Conclusion

There’s nothing else I can tell you, except to repeat these steps ad nauseum. Eventually you’ll have ten pounds of stories and a sack-full of novels. That’s enough to bludgeon the critics who fail to understand your brilliance.

So get out there and start writing, damn it. Class dismissed.

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That's all. Tell your friends.

- TJG