I will be taking a break this week, so there will be no new postings until Monday. I'm sure there's plenty of stuff on here that you haven't read yet, so that will just have to tide you over until then.
Best wishes,
- TJG
Monday, November 23, 2009
Break
Loyal readers,
I will be taking a break this week, so there will be no new postings until Monday. I'm sure there's plenty of stuff on here that you haven't read yet, so that will just have to tide you over until then.
Best wishes,
I will be taking a break this week, so there will be no new postings until Monday. I'm sure there's plenty of stuff on here that you haven't read yet, so that will just have to tide you over until then.
Best wishes,
Friday, November 6, 2009
Tongue In Face, Part 10
And finally, the conclusion of "How to Write: A Guide."
By now, you’ve got your manuscript, and everything is right with the world. Except for one thing. You don’t have a persona!
Why is one necessary, you ask? Simply put, you are a writer. You spend all your time apart from other people, either in a small room or your car, scribbling in a notebook. That means you are what most people would consider to be boring. So you’ll just have to pretend to be interesting. But how?
There are several tested personae from which you may choose:
The Serious Artist. This is the guy who goes on talk shows (if he deigns to appear on television) to discuss craft or the great American novel. Stodgy in appearance, he is by turns awkward and witty. Often, he will discuss Art (note the capitalization) is the last hope for mankind. He will be known by the majority of the public as “that writer guy,” “that boring guy,” or “some professor or something.”
The Layman. This is a man of the people. He wears workman’s attire in most social occasions. He pooh-poohs the highfalutin craft talk, preferring instead to discuss auto mechanics, medieval tools or the shed he built in his back yard where he does all of his writing. He avoids the topic of actual writing, not because he has nothing to say, but because no one could possibly comprehend the opinions of The Greatest Writer in the World.
The Hard-Drinking Gun Nut. This writer does not appear on television. He rarely gives interviews. And yet, his non-writing exploits are legendary. Like the time he drank a bottle of Scotch and was still lucid enough to shoot a playing card from his girlfriend’s teeth without injuring her. (How? See Step Seven.) He may have been famous for writing at one point, but he understands that greater fame can be had through being outrageous.
The problem with these examples is that they are well-known (as are The Slacker, The Angriest Man on Earth and The Mental Patient). If you want half a chance in the literary world, you better come up with something original. It could be the most decision you ever make, so choose carefully.
There’s nothing else I can tell you, except to repeat these steps ad nauseum. Eventually you’ll have ten pounds of stories and a sack-full of novels. That’s enough to bludgeon the critics who fail to understand your brilliance.
So get out there and start writing, damn it. Class dismissed.
___
Step Ten: Persona, Persona, Persona
By now, you’ve got your manuscript, and everything is right with the world. Except for one thing. You don’t have a persona!
Why is one necessary, you ask? Simply put, you are a writer. You spend all your time apart from other people, either in a small room or your car, scribbling in a notebook. That means you are what most people would consider to be boring. So you’ll just have to pretend to be interesting. But how?
There are several tested personae from which you may choose:
The Serious Artist. This is the guy who goes on talk shows (if he deigns to appear on television) to discuss craft or the great American novel. Stodgy in appearance, he is by turns awkward and witty. Often, he will discuss Art (note the capitalization) is the last hope for mankind. He will be known by the majority of the public as “that writer guy,” “that boring guy,” or “some professor or something.”
The Layman. This is a man of the people. He wears workman’s attire in most social occasions. He pooh-poohs the highfalutin craft talk, preferring instead to discuss auto mechanics, medieval tools or the shed he built in his back yard where he does all of his writing. He avoids the topic of actual writing, not because he has nothing to say, but because no one could possibly comprehend the opinions of The Greatest Writer in the World.
The Hard-Drinking Gun Nut. This writer does not appear on television. He rarely gives interviews. And yet, his non-writing exploits are legendary. Like the time he drank a bottle of Scotch and was still lucid enough to shoot a playing card from his girlfriend’s teeth without injuring her. (How? See Step Seven.) He may have been famous for writing at one point, but he understands that greater fame can be had through being outrageous.
The problem with these examples is that they are well-known (as are The Slacker, The Angriest Man on Earth and The Mental Patient). If you want half a chance in the literary world, you better come up with something original. It could be the most decision you ever make, so choose carefully.
Conclusion
There’s nothing else I can tell you, except to repeat these steps ad nauseum. Eventually you’ll have ten pounds of stories and a sack-full of novels. That’s enough to bludgeon the critics who fail to understand your brilliance.
So get out there and start writing, damn it. Class dismissed.
___
That's all. Tell your friends.
- TJG
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tongue In Face, Part 9
And now, part nine - the shortest post in history.
What are you sitting there for? Start writing, already! When you’re done, read it ten times, making changes as necessary. I’ll be here when you get back.
Conclusion tomorrow.
___
Step Nine: Getting To It
What are you sitting there for? Start writing, already! When you’re done, read it ten times, making changes as necessary. I’ll be here when you get back.
___
Conclusion tomorrow.
- TJG
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tongue In Face, Part 8
Here's part eight, in all its glory.
After all the advice I’ve given, it may still be difficult for you to come up with ideas. Fear not, for I am about to reveal a secret known to real writers everywhere, one they’ve tried to keep hidden from the public for centuries. Although it will win me innumerable enemies, I am going to share this bit of creative knowledge with you.
Here goes.
Bang your head against the wall.
I’m not kidding.
See, ideas live inside your brain. Sometimes it gets all sticky up there and you have to jar them loose. Hence: Bang your head against the wall.
Do it three times, fast and hard. Then wait five minutes and write down the first thing that comes to mind. It’ll be pure gold. If nothing comes to mind, repeat the process.
If a wall is unavailable, try another hard object, like the floor (preferably uncarpeted). If you’re out of doors (shame on you!), try a paved surface. Sod is too soft and could lodge the ideas deeper in your brain. If you’re indoors, stay away from breakable surfaces and objects, such as a kitchen cabinet or a teacup. Stick with the walls or the floor. Ideas will be dripping out your ears in no time.
Part nine tomorrow.
___
Step Eight: Bang Your Head Against the Wall
After all the advice I’ve given, it may still be difficult for you to come up with ideas. Fear not, for I am about to reveal a secret known to real writers everywhere, one they’ve tried to keep hidden from the public for centuries. Although it will win me innumerable enemies, I am going to share this bit of creative knowledge with you.
Here goes.
Bang your head against the wall.
I’m not kidding.
See, ideas live inside your brain. Sometimes it gets all sticky up there and you have to jar them loose. Hence: Bang your head against the wall.
Do it three times, fast and hard. Then wait five minutes and write down the first thing that comes to mind. It’ll be pure gold. If nothing comes to mind, repeat the process.
If a wall is unavailable, try another hard object, like the floor (preferably uncarpeted). If you’re out of doors (shame on you!), try a paved surface. Sod is too soft and could lodge the ideas deeper in your brain. If you’re indoors, stay away from breakable surfaces and objects, such as a kitchen cabinet or a teacup. Stick with the walls or the floor. Ideas will be dripping out your ears in no time.
___
Part nine tomorrow.
- TJG
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Tongue In Face, Part 7
Here's part seven of my essay, "How to Write: A Guide."
It’s odd to think of, but you can tell who wrote some books without looking at the name on the spine. That’s because of the style in which the books were written. It’s a fading trend, but you may want to play the retro card at the beginning of your literary career. It could get you some attention.
Often, writing is not what you write about – it’s how you write about it. A boring story written in plain English will almost always go unnoticed, while a boring story written in some fancy-pants way will be hailed as a triumph nine times out of ten.
Let’s start with a simple sentence, and go from there:
“The wet dog crossed the street.”
Boring, right? It’s simple, declarative. It’s not evoking much, except possible sympathy for the dog, as he is wet. Let’s fancy it up a bit:
“Tired and lonely, the wet dog crossed the street.”
More effective, isn’t it? And with only three more words. Imagine what twenty-five or forty more words would do. Let’s go just a little bit further:
“Tired, lonely and bleeding from both ends, the wet dog crossed the street.”
That’s poetry. But maybe you don’t want to alienate your audience. (They’re known to be suckers when it comes to animals.) They might get too sad after reading that sentence to finish your story. And who could blame them? People don’t want to read about nice dogs in peril. So let’s twist it:
“Tired, wet, angry and bleeding from both ends, the meanest dog in the world crossed the street.”
By taking away the dog’s feeling of loneliness, replacing it with a feeling of anger and an assertion I couldn’t possibly prove, the dog has gone from being a sad, terrorized puppy to being the ultimate canine badass. And we haven’t even gotten truly fancy yet!
Here’s a final, fancied-up version:
“Tired from a fresh kill, wet and angry and bleeding from both ends, the meanest dog in the world licked his lips, savoring the blood-taste and growling a contented growl, his yellow eyes illuminated by the headlights of a passing car, as he crossed the dark, rain-slicked city street.”
Did you notice how repetitive it was? How many unnecessary words it contained? There were forty-nine words in that sucker, and that was just one sentence. Imagine how quickly you could write a book-full of those! So what if it was hard to read? That just means the author (you) is smarter than the critics. Hell, you’re smarter than most people! If you’re really smart, you’ll leave out all punctuation but the periods. Then you’ll look really smart – just like a real writer.
Part eight tomorrow.
___
Step Seven: Develop a Style
It’s odd to think of, but you can tell who wrote some books without looking at the name on the spine. That’s because of the style in which the books were written. It’s a fading trend, but you may want to play the retro card at the beginning of your literary career. It could get you some attention.
Often, writing is not what you write about – it’s how you write about it. A boring story written in plain English will almost always go unnoticed, while a boring story written in some fancy-pants way will be hailed as a triumph nine times out of ten.
Let’s start with a simple sentence, and go from there:
“The wet dog crossed the street.”
Boring, right? It’s simple, declarative. It’s not evoking much, except possible sympathy for the dog, as he is wet. Let’s fancy it up a bit:
“Tired and lonely, the wet dog crossed the street.”
More effective, isn’t it? And with only three more words. Imagine what twenty-five or forty more words would do. Let’s go just a little bit further:
“Tired, lonely and bleeding from both ends, the wet dog crossed the street.”
That’s poetry. But maybe you don’t want to alienate your audience. (They’re known to be suckers when it comes to animals.) They might get too sad after reading that sentence to finish your story. And who could blame them? People don’t want to read about nice dogs in peril. So let’s twist it:
“Tired, wet, angry and bleeding from both ends, the meanest dog in the world crossed the street.”
By taking away the dog’s feeling of loneliness, replacing it with a feeling of anger and an assertion I couldn’t possibly prove, the dog has gone from being a sad, terrorized puppy to being the ultimate canine badass. And we haven’t even gotten truly fancy yet!
Here’s a final, fancied-up version:
“Tired from a fresh kill, wet and angry and bleeding from both ends, the meanest dog in the world licked his lips, savoring the blood-taste and growling a contented growl, his yellow eyes illuminated by the headlights of a passing car, as he crossed the dark, rain-slicked city street.”
Did you notice how repetitive it was? How many unnecessary words it contained? There were forty-nine words in that sucker, and that was just one sentence. Imagine how quickly you could write a book-full of those! So what if it was hard to read? That just means the author (you) is smarter than the critics. Hell, you’re smarter than most people! If you’re really smart, you’ll leave out all punctuation but the periods. Then you’ll look really smart – just like a real writer.
___
Part eight tomorrow.
- TJG
Monday, November 2, 2009
Tongue in Face, Part 6
Here's the sixth part of my essay, "How to Write: A Guide."
Step Six is directly related to Step Five in many ways. Preferably, you should find a place that contains few people. Try the place you live first. If your family (should you have one) gets in the way, do something about it. Throw them out of the house and have the locks changed. If you do this correctly, you may never have to see them again, which will give you more time than ever to work.
If, however, you have some unexplained attachment to the, you may wish to try a different track. Perhaps you could find a room that comfortably holds no more than one person. If you aren’t troubled by odd smells, the sound of running water or grout, the bathroom could be the perfect choice. Most of them come equipped with locks, which can be used to keep out nosey spouses or pesky children. If your residence has only one bathroom, you may want to write somewhere else, lest your family take to urinating in your waterproof galoshes.
You may want to avoid the house altogether. Your car may be the better choice, as you can use it to drive somewhere your family can’t find you, like an airport parking lot or an abandoned drive-in theatre. Unlike the bathroom, having a car could be very helpful to the budding writer. Without proper transportation, it is next to impossible for your loved ones to find you in a timely fashion.
To be continued.
___
Step Six: Find A Place to Write
Step Six is directly related to Step Five in many ways. Preferably, you should find a place that contains few people. Try the place you live first. If your family (should you have one) gets in the way, do something about it. Throw them out of the house and have the locks changed. If you do this correctly, you may never have to see them again, which will give you more time than ever to work.
If, however, you have some unexplained attachment to the, you may wish to try a different track. Perhaps you could find a room that comfortably holds no more than one person. If you aren’t troubled by odd smells, the sound of running water or grout, the bathroom could be the perfect choice. Most of them come equipped with locks, which can be used to keep out nosey spouses or pesky children. If your residence has only one bathroom, you may want to write somewhere else, lest your family take to urinating in your waterproof galoshes.
You may want to avoid the house altogether. Your car may be the better choice, as you can use it to drive somewhere your family can’t find you, like an airport parking lot or an abandoned drive-in theatre. Unlike the bathroom, having a car could be very helpful to the budding writer. Without proper transportation, it is next to impossible for your loved ones to find you in a timely fashion.
___
To be continued.
- TJG
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